Thursday, December 31, 2015

Another year ending. Seems like this one just began. Time feels to move faster as I get older. Maybe I don't feel as if I have an eternity of New Years left like I once I did. I don't want to be out bowling with friends. I don't want to go to a party or a lock-in. I want to be at home with my precious babies...for as long as I can. We always have fun together. We do projects and eat party food, play board games and try to stay awake. In the past, Layne and I would use the old Google services to find a video of another country ringing in the New Year and play it for the kids. They would think they made it all the way to 12:00 and then we would put them to bed. We would celebrate the New Year in quiet togetherness. The oldest ones have caught on to our shenanigans. They now insist it be for real...they even have watches now. Last year, 2 of our clan were out celebrating with friends so it was mommy and four kids. Only 2 made it to the new year awake. This year we have spent the day being lazy. We are sure that this year, my oldest son will finally, for the first time, be awake as the new year appears. 

But what does a new year bring? Nothing really. Another year...another number to write. The time itself doesn't really BRING anything. We bring the changes...or the sameness. We are the ones who decide to be healthier, read more books, volunteer more or just act nicer. And many times, we fail. We fail because we are trying to change ourselves.....ourselves. And it won't work. Eventually, we will get tired of trying to bear the burden and we will go back to our old ways. If a change is to be made and kept, the change must be for the Lord. We must make the conscious decision to put the Lord first. To always be prepared for what HE has planned. Once we put Him first....we change. We don't cling to our ways anymore. The Lord is the only way we can be free of our past sins...our old habits...the routines we shouldn't be in. Only He can deliver us. We must realize we need a Savior. We need Him. We can't decide to not be a sinner anymore and go to church and volunteer but leave out the Lord. We must love Him first only because He loved us. Then once we have given Him all of us, we change. 

I have many friends who don't want to change. "God made me this way"(you must have forgotten that we are now born with sinfilled hearts my friend)..... uhmmmm....ok...but honestly, if you knew me before I finally gave my all to God, you would hate me. I was mean, I was hateful...I didn't care about you or your feelings. I was out for me. I am and always will be thankful that God wanted a horrible, gutless, weirdo like me. I am more thankful that He changed me. I am NOT perfect...I am still changing. I am still weird. I have to hold my tongue...literally, many times I am biting it so I won't speak. Sometimes the words just come out and I feel immediately horrid for what I say...yet sometimes I walk away without apologizing. Sometimes I feel the Lord saying, "Share my Word with her" and I stand there and argue with God in my head, "What God??? No way. I am not. She could attack me with words and I can't hold my ground." and I walk away...never having told her about the Lord. 

And I have some friends who know they are living wrong and they call me to make sure I still pray. They struggle with sins that they feel are too big for God. I laugh and tell them I struggle with my sins...they are all equal....and God is bigger than them all. So this you decide to eat your vegetables and read more classics....also consider what I am attempting to do...Put God first always. Never make a decision without consulting Him. Pray each morning and be int he Word each day. Give Him the best of us. I am going to pray, read, and write. Hoping to be a changed person by the time 2017 rolls in...not because I made a resolution but because the Lord is my salvation. 

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