Well, it has been over a month and we have had a bit of excitement here or there but mostly just sick kids. All three big kids are playing ball. We never went on that vacation we pretended to plan. Lilly is doing better in school. I had a birthday that was nothing special - which is how I like it. However, I am in a funk.
I think I am burnt out on life. I feel that I am pulled in about 70 directions at any given second. I can't help but obsess over the little things - dirty dishes, a friend who was offended and won't speak, disobedience from my kids, and a feeling of far-away-ness between myslef and my Lord.
The frustration and confusion has set in and this dark cloud won't leave my skies. I am super tired all of the time. When I do have energy there is SO much work to do that I don't know where to begin. I feel as if I am drowning in a sea of lonliness surrounded by people who don't notice me. I get up to do a devotion and it is superficial at best. Almost as if I am afraid to dive in or if I do dive...I hit a glass bottom and can't go deeper. So I bob along, gasping for air, searching for a new direction. My head is barely above water...my arms are tired of flayling, my legs tired of treading water. If only I had the courage to dive in...Odd isn't it? my answer for this drowning feeling is to dive in further. But that is just it...I need to go deeper - to give up my control - to just not care what others are thinking...and that is the root of my problems. I was the type of person who didn't care what someone thought. I stood up for my beliefs. I was passionate. if I stood true to God and hurt your feelings - not my problem.... Now - I care too much...as if each move I make will cause another to fall or stumble. I pre-mediate all my actions and words...trying hard to not offend, to not upset, to not turn away. I serve all my opinions with a side of soft serve icecream drizzled in chocolate and sprinkles. WHY!!!! This is NOT what the Lord has called me to do. He doesn't want me like this and I know it. I have been worn down by this world. I know what I should do but I am too weak to do it.
Why post this here...uhmmm because I know not on single person who ever checks this stray blog. So I feel okay dumping my feelings here into the cyber world of nothingness in hopes that no one ever reads it. My thoughts and worries are now floating around in a blackened abyss...but still weigh heavy on my heart.
If you do read this - pray...I just needed to vent since I have no one here to really express my inner most thoughts.