Thursday, December 31, 2015

Another year ending. Seems like this one just began. Time feels to move faster as I get older. Maybe I don't feel as if I have an eternity of New Years left like I once I did. I don't want to be out bowling with friends. I don't want to go to a party or a lock-in. I want to be at home with my precious babies...for as long as I can. We always have fun together. We do projects and eat party food, play board games and try to stay awake. In the past, Layne and I would use the old Google services to find a video of another country ringing in the New Year and play it for the kids. They would think they made it all the way to 12:00 and then we would put them to bed. We would celebrate the New Year in quiet togetherness. The oldest ones have caught on to our shenanigans. They now insist it be for real...they even have watches now. Last year, 2 of our clan were out celebrating with friends so it was mommy and four kids. Only 2 made it to the new year awake. This year we have spent the day being lazy. We are sure that this year, my oldest son will finally, for the first time, be awake as the new year appears. 

But what does a new year bring? Nothing really. Another year...another number to write. The time itself doesn't really BRING anything. We bring the changes...or the sameness. We are the ones who decide to be healthier, read more books, volunteer more or just act nicer. And many times, we fail. We fail because we are trying to change ourselves.....ourselves. And it won't work. Eventually, we will get tired of trying to bear the burden and we will go back to our old ways. If a change is to be made and kept, the change must be for the Lord. We must make the conscious decision to put the Lord first. To always be prepared for what HE has planned. Once we put Him first....we change. We don't cling to our ways anymore. The Lord is the only way we can be free of our past sins...our old habits...the routines we shouldn't be in. Only He can deliver us. We must realize we need a Savior. We need Him. We can't decide to not be a sinner anymore and go to church and volunteer but leave out the Lord. We must love Him first only because He loved us. Then once we have given Him all of us, we change. 

I have many friends who don't want to change. "God made me this way"(you must have forgotten that we are now born with sinfilled hearts my friend)..... uhmmmm....ok...but honestly, if you knew me before I finally gave my all to God, you would hate me. I was mean, I was hateful...I didn't care about you or your feelings. I was out for me. I am and always will be thankful that God wanted a horrible, gutless, weirdo like me. I am more thankful that He changed me. I am NOT perfect...I am still changing. I am still weird. I have to hold my tongue...literally, many times I am biting it so I won't speak. Sometimes the words just come out and I feel immediately horrid for what I say...yet sometimes I walk away without apologizing. Sometimes I feel the Lord saying, "Share my Word with her" and I stand there and argue with God in my head, "What God??? No way. I am not. She could attack me with words and I can't hold my ground." and I walk away...never having told her about the Lord. 

And I have some friends who know they are living wrong and they call me to make sure I still pray. They struggle with sins that they feel are too big for God. I laugh and tell them I struggle with my sins...they are all equal....and God is bigger than them all. So this you decide to eat your vegetables and read more classics....also consider what I am attempting to do...Put God first always. Never make a decision without consulting Him. Pray each morning and be int he Word each day. Give Him the best of us. I am going to pray, read, and write. Hoping to be a changed person by the time 2017 rolls in...not because I made a resolution but because the Lord is my salvation. 

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

This morning I sit here with my coffee, waiting for the rain to come and I listen. I hear my boys racing remote control cars. My oldest is most likely still in bed. Number 2 is watching the news because she is wrapped up in the idea that our city will flood soon(it won't) and my Ray of Sunshine is currently eating cereal. It is nice and cozy. Not quiet but cozy. My heart is with my friend as she tries to pull her life together after the loss of her little boy. For the next few weeks, my kids will be allowed to be a little louder, a bit clingier, stay up longer and be more messy. They just will be. Sad that it takes such a tragedy to make me realize my kids need to be kids longer.

Yet, today, I can't focus on the sad. I have to begin focusing on the positive. My friend won't need my saddness, her grief will be enough. I must focus on my Lord. He is the only Way out of this situation safely. I wish I could be more like my kids. I tell them about the baby, they are sad but then they are joyful because that baby is in heaven and will never deal with the nastiness of the world. My mind tends to think of personal value and ownership. That she needs those snuggles and hugs. She deserves a crying baby to love. That she did the work of all those months and those things belong to her.....but they don't. Our children are on loan to us from the Lord. He can call them Home when He deems necessary. It won't make me happy, but I can be joyous knowing that my kids love Him. Life.....not easy. Christian life....certainly harder. My children are not my own. My life is not my own.

Today the kids and I will focus on making memories. Playing games and spending time ensuring that 2015 goes out with a blast for us. We begin 2016 with a renewed Hope in Christ that He is ours and we are His.

Monday, December 28, 2015

Strength. A very thought provoking word really. What is strength? A show of muscular ability? How much you do? How much you can take? I think true strength lies in knowing how little you can actually handle. My friend showed enormous strength yesterday. She held her newborn baby for hours praying for God to breath life into him. She rocked and prayed. But the true strength came when she realized that God had her child, that He would hold him much tighter and much safer than she could. Her strength came in letting go of what she could see here and taking hold of the unseen. I know her heart is broken. Into a million tiny pieces that will NEVER go back together quite the same way. But she will persevere. Why? Because that is what the Lord commands of us. One day, she will be reunited with her little one. Most importantly, she and her little one and her Savior will all be together. May that circle never be unbroken.

But what next? If her child had been born with life, she would have 6 weeks off from work to get to know her baby and find a routine. People would give her time to figure out how to be a mom of a newborn again. People would offer advice and give gifts. In the south, we take food. What do you do for a mom who carried her baby full term and yet comes home with no little one to snuggle? Is 6 weeks enough time to get into the routine? What advice can be given? What gifts should we bring? We are in the south...we will still take food.

Do we visit and pretend nothing happened? Do we ask about the baby? Ask about the name?  Do we ask about labor? Do we ask to see pictures? I never carried a baby full term only to have no baby to carry home. But I have miscarried. It isn't the same. But I can remember the feeling. I can recall the first time I had to tell someone we lost our baby. I can remember the pain. I didn't want to cry but I did. I wanted life to continue, but I didn't want to forget. I talked about the baby, only to certain people. I miss my baby. He or she would have been 8 in November of this year. We lost our baby in March. I don't want our baby to be forgotten. I spent three months giggling over the fact that another baby was growing. I have spent 8 years trying to not be sad.

My friend spent almost 9 months preparing for a baby....6 weeks won't help her feel joyous. 6 years won't. For a mom, no amount of time will ever help you get past loosing a child, no matter how old they were when you lost them. But never pretend that child didn't exist. Because they did.

My friend has faith. Faith in the Lord. That is how she will survive this. Her faith. I have faith in that. It is all I have.

Sunday, November 29, 2015


Wow - Can I be more slack?? Nope. I miss my days of typing my thoughts that are never seen by anyone.  I miss being able to go back and read what was going on. So here I am. Still struggling. Struggling with a job that can become overwhelming...because I let it. Struggling in a still "new to us" ministry way of life. Struggling to keep the house clean, kids fed and educated...and clean. Struggling to keep my head above water. I feel very much alone in a crowd of people. Why? I think it comes with the territory. People expect more than I am. I have one person I send my complaints husband. But we all know that females like to say their issues out loud and then bear it all on their own. Men, men like to fix issues. So, when I want to just talk, my husband is busy trying to fix. When I don't take his advice, feelings are hurt. I know, I know...find a new person to complain to....and it should be God. I know that. I teach kids that all the time. The problem is, I don't listen to myself. Maybe I should.

Anyway - The kiddos are still good to go. I have a 7th grader who can finally read(trouble is finding interesting and appropriate material). My 5th grader thinks she is much older than she really is. My sweet 4th grader is so fill of boyish mischief and silliness that I can't keep up. The 1st grader is going to be a drama queen to the max. And my little guy....well, he is 4 but he is small so he can still curl up in my lap and love me.

My hubby is still working with a Camp. Still no regular paycheck. But he seems to enjoy it. He freely spends the majority of his time working hard for them. One of the hardest working men I know.

I still love my church. I love to work there although I do tend to overbook myself with events. Therein lies my problem. I try to stay busy. Someone caught me being "nice" at the ladies retreat...taking boxes of Kleenex to the ladies who were crying. I just see that as part of the job. In order for an event to run smoothly, you have to have people on stand-by who don't mind missing out on the deep stuff to take care of the mundane. That's me. It is right up my alley...constant work and zero appreciation. I am uncomfortable with praise. So I like the background. However, this year I realized that my behind the scenes work is really a selfish cover-up. I don't want to get emotional. I don't want to cry in front of everyone. Maybe because I spend my time in tears when I am alone. But I noticed this year that I stay busy so that I don't succumb to the emotional toil of life. I have enough of that. I stay busy to escape life. Ha...funny...I have created a life to escape my life. Not really funny.

How do I fix that?? Easy answer - turn to God - pray about it and He will is the truth but is it really that easy? YES!!! But in order for it to happen, I have to give it to Him..thus the dilemma. I like to have a bit of control. I do. I know how a thing is supposed to go and I know how to get it done so why have a middle man if I can do it easier...and better.... I am an extremely selfish person. I just want to do it. So...I need to step back. I have been experimenting with this...but failing. I will try harder. I will try to slow down and "do" less. And try some new ideas since the old ones seem to be turning into obstacles. Crazy....just writing down our thoughts can open up our minds to new ideas.