Sunday, November 29, 2015


Wow - Can I be more slack?? Nope. I miss my days of typing my thoughts that are never seen by anyone.  I miss being able to go back and read what was going on. So here I am. Still struggling. Struggling with a job that can become overwhelming...because I let it. Struggling in a still "new to us" ministry way of life. Struggling to keep the house clean, kids fed and educated...and clean. Struggling to keep my head above water. I feel very much alone in a crowd of people. Why? I think it comes with the territory. People expect more than I am. I have one person I send my complaints husband. But we all know that females like to say their issues out loud and then bear it all on their own. Men, men like to fix issues. So, when I want to just talk, my husband is busy trying to fix. When I don't take his advice, feelings are hurt. I know, I know...find a new person to complain to....and it should be God. I know that. I teach kids that all the time. The problem is, I don't listen to myself. Maybe I should.

Anyway - The kiddos are still good to go. I have a 7th grader who can finally read(trouble is finding interesting and appropriate material). My 5th grader thinks she is much older than she really is. My sweet 4th grader is so fill of boyish mischief and silliness that I can't keep up. The 1st grader is going to be a drama queen to the max. And my little guy....well, he is 4 but he is small so he can still curl up in my lap and love me.

My hubby is still working with a Camp. Still no regular paycheck. But he seems to enjoy it. He freely spends the majority of his time working hard for them. One of the hardest working men I know.

I still love my church. I love to work there although I do tend to overbook myself with events. Therein lies my problem. I try to stay busy. Someone caught me being "nice" at the ladies retreat...taking boxes of Kleenex to the ladies who were crying. I just see that as part of the job. In order for an event to run smoothly, you have to have people on stand-by who don't mind missing out on the deep stuff to take care of the mundane. That's me. It is right up my alley...constant work and zero appreciation. I am uncomfortable with praise. So I like the background. However, this year I realized that my behind the scenes work is really a selfish cover-up. I don't want to get emotional. I don't want to cry in front of everyone. Maybe because I spend my time in tears when I am alone. But I noticed this year that I stay busy so that I don't succumb to the emotional toil of life. I have enough of that. I stay busy to escape life. Ha...funny...I have created a life to escape my life. Not really funny.

How do I fix that?? Easy answer - turn to God - pray about it and He will is the truth but is it really that easy? YES!!! But in order for it to happen, I have to give it to Him..thus the dilemma. I like to have a bit of control. I do. I know how a thing is supposed to go and I know how to get it done so why have a middle man if I can do it easier...and better.... I am an extremely selfish person. I just want to do it. So...I need to step back. I have been experimenting with this...but failing. I will try harder. I will try to slow down and "do" less. And try some new ideas since the old ones seem to be turning into obstacles. Crazy....just writing down our thoughts can open up our minds to new ideas.