Friday, March 30, 2012
Randomness in my head
Today as I was trying desperately to finish cleaning for once in my life....obvioulsy I stopped cleaning to blog here, I overheard someone on the radio. She mentioned that Jesus is the ONLY One who as ever been with you through every situation of your life. Immediately my thoughts went back to a night in 1987...a Thursday night. February 5 to be exact. I remember laying in my grandmother's bed with her and my brother. She was in the middle which put me near the sliding glass window. She had huge curtains hanging in the window and plants everywhere. I can still see those plants and curtains in my mind. However, the memory isn't about those things. The memory revolves around a prayer. I am not sure if this is the night on which I first truly believed in God for myself and not just because I was supposed to or not. I remember lying there and praying that God would heal my dad. Pleading with Him through silent tears. Then I just realized that He might not heal my dad...so I prayed that (age9) God would take me. I prayed that He would take my soul that night and give my dad another chance. Oh, I can remember telling Him that my mom and brother and dad would soon get over my death because I was young and they could have more kids. I truly am amazed at that, now at 35. I can still remember closing my eyes for what I really thought would be the last time here on earth. I was very disappointed the next day. I just knew that Friday was not ordinary. I was so hurt that God hadn't listened to my pleas. My dad died that afternoon. But that one intimate moment with God prepared me. When my mom told me the news, of course my heart shattered into a million pieces that would never find their way back together the exact same way, but I can remember sitting in that car and knowing that even though it seemed like life was not worth living, that God would take care of us. He did. I have lately felt a void in my heart....just an abscense. I try hard to make sure the kids understand the foundation of faith..trying to make sure that my job as a parent is done to the glory of God. Between that, a new baby and two surgeries plus a part time job that takes up a lot of thought time....I have just felt alone. When that night popped back into my head it was like the warmth of God enveloped my heart and He reminded me that He was there back then...He is here now and has been. He will be with me...He holds my future and just as He held my past. Moreso, He holds me. He knew on that night in 1987 that I would be here today in 2012 and I would remember...I love my God. His grace is more than I deserve...but I am ever thankful for it. God is amazing.