I am just going to try to update periodically so that I can have a place where I can put my thoughts about our move. It is time to begin taking the move more seriously. My last day working at FEC was yesterday. I no longer have a paying job. I am now a full-time homeschool teacher, wife, and housekeeper...none of which I am good at.

The hubby took a new job working at a local CFA after two years at Camp Grace. This spring, after a year at CFA, he was offered a new job....in  a new town. I have to admit, I am very excited. Some kids are...some are not. But eventually, we will all come to love it.

So, being the "let's get it done" person that I am, I slowly began packing in March. We are bombarded with boxes. Boxes everywhere.  We are having the bathrooms renovated. Here is that that means:

We need to get the vents in the bathrooms updated - I didn't realize that was happening today and when the hubby told me, I realized unenthusiastically that I must get the attic clean. So up I go. I decided to go ahead and take out as many boxes as necessary...you know, so that he had ample space to move about as needed. What I didn't consider is that I already have boxes everywhere from my preemptive packing strike.  So now, I have boxes galore, taking up all breathing room. Now, we have to try to survive with no breathing room or a single place to relax. This means one thing....I now must go into my inner self and release all those years of Tetris playing from the Gameboy years. And I did it. I was able to stack the boxes in a way that allows us to live and breath...reasonably. We won't be having a dinner party anytime soon, but if we did, it would be held in the attic...which is half clean.

Another year ending. Seems like this one just began. Time feels to move faster as I get older. Maybe I don't feel as if I have an eternity of New Years left like I once I did. I don't want to be out bowling with friends. I don't want to go to a party or a lock-in. I want to be at home with my precious babies...for as long as I can. We always have fun together. We do projects and eat party food, play board games and try to stay awake. In the past, Layne and I would use the old Google services to find a video of another country ringing in the New Year and play it for the kids. They would think they made it all the way to 12:00 and then we would put them to bed. We would celebrate the New Year in quiet togetherness. The oldest ones have caught on to our shenanigans. They now insist it be for real...they even have watches now. Last year, 2 of our clan were out celebrating with friends so it was mommy and four kids. Only 2 made it to the new year awake. This year we have spent the day being lazy. We are sure that this year, my oldest son will finally, for the first time, be awake as the new year appears. 

But what does a new year bring? Nothing really. Another year...another number to write. The time itself doesn't really BRING anything. We bring the changes...or the sameness. We are the ones who decide to be healthier, read more books, volunteer more or just act nicer. And many times, we fail. We fail because we are trying to change ourselves.....ourselves. And it won't work. Eventually, we will get tired of trying to bear the burden and we will go back to our old ways. If a change is to be made and kept, the change must be for the Lord. We must make the conscious decision to put the Lord first. To always be prepared for what HE has planned. Once we put Him first....we change. We don't cling to our ways anymore. The Lord is the only way we can be free of our past sins...our old habits...the routines we shouldn't be in. Only He can deliver us. We must realize we need a Savior. We need Him. We can't decide to not be a sinner anymore and go to church and volunteer but leave out the Lord. We must love Him first only because He loved us. Then once we have given Him all of us, we change. 

I have many friends who don't want to change. "God made me this way"(you must have forgotten that we are now born with sinfilled hearts my friend)..... uhmmmm....ok...but honestly, if you knew me before I finally gave my all to God, you would hate me. I was mean, I was hateful...I didn't care about you or your feelings. I was out for me. I am and always will be thankful that God wanted a horrible, gutless, weirdo like me. I am more thankful that He changed me. I am NOT perfect...I am still changing. I am still weird. I have to hold my tongue...literally, many times I am biting it so I won't speak. Sometimes the words just come out and I feel immediately horrid for what I say...yet sometimes I walk away without apologizing. Sometimes I feel the Lord saying, "Share my Word with her" and I stand there and argue with God in my head, "What God??? No way. I am not. She could attack me with words and I can't hold my ground." and I walk away...never having told her about the Lord. 

And I have some friends who know they are living wrong and they call me to make sure I still pray. They struggle with sins that they feel are too big for God. I laugh and tell them I struggle with my sins...they are all equal....and God is bigger than them all. So this year...as you decide to eat your vegetables and read more classics....also consider what I am attempting to do...Put God first always. Never make a decision without consulting Him. Pray each morning and be int he Word each day. Give Him the best of us. I am going to pray, read, and write. Hoping to be a changed person by the time 2017 rolls in...not because I made a resolution but because the Lord is my salvation. 

This morning I sit here with my coffee, waiting for the rain to come and I listen. I hear my boys racing remote control cars. My oldest is most likely still in bed. Number 2 is watching the news because she is wrapped up in the idea that our city will flood soon(it won't) and my Ray of Sunshine is currently eating cereal. It is nice and cozy. Not quiet but cozy. My heart is with my friend as she tries to pull her life together after the loss of her little boy. For the next few weeks, my kids will be allowed to be a little louder, a bit clingier, stay up longer and be more messy. They just will be. Sad that it takes such a tragedy to make me realize my kids need to be kids longer.

Yet, today, I can't focus on the sad. I have to begin focusing on the positive. My friend won't need my saddness, her grief will be enough. I must focus on my Lord. He is the only Way out of this situation safely. I wish I could be more like my kids. I tell them about the baby, they are sad but then they are joyful because that baby is in heaven and will never deal with the nastiness of the world. My mind tends to think of personal value and ownership. That she needs those snuggles and hugs. She deserves a crying baby to love. That she did the work of all those months and those things belong to her.....but they don't. Our children are on loan to us from the Lord. He can call them Home when He deems necessary. It won't make me happy, but I can be joyous knowing that my kids love Him. Life.....not easy. Christian life....certainly harder. My children are not my own. My life is not my own.

Today the kids and I will focus on making memories. Playing games and spending time ensuring that 2015 goes out with a blast for us. We begin 2016 with a renewed Hope in Christ that He is ours and we are His.

Strength. A very thought provoking word really. What is strength? A show of muscular ability? How much you do? How much you can take? I think true strength lies in knowing how little you can actually handle. My friend showed enormous strength yesterday. She held her newborn baby for hours praying for God to breath life into him. She rocked and prayed. But the true strength came when she realized that God had her child, that He would hold him much tighter and much safer than she could. Her strength came in letting go of what she could see here and taking hold of the unseen. I know her heart is broken. Into a million tiny pieces that will NEVER go back together quite the same way. But she will persevere. Why? Because that is what the Lord commands of us. One day, she will be reunited with her little one. Most importantly, she and her little one and her Savior will all be together. May that circle never be unbroken.

But what next? If her child had been born with life, she would have 6 weeks off from work to get to know her baby and find a routine. People would give her time to figure out how to be a mom of a newborn again. People would offer advice and give gifts. In the south, we take food. What do you do for a mom who carried her baby full term and yet comes home with no little one to snuggle? Is 6 weeks enough time to get into the routine? What advice can be given? What gifts should we bring? We are in the south...we will still take food.

Do we visit and pretend nothing happened? Do we ask about the baby? Ask about the name?  Do we ask about labor? Do we ask to see pictures? I never carried a baby full term only to have no baby to carry home. But I have miscarried. It isn't the same. But I can remember the feeling. I can recall the first time I had to tell someone we lost our baby. I can remember the pain. I didn't want to cry but I did. I wanted life to continue, but I didn't want to forget. I talked about the baby, only to certain people. I miss my baby. He or she would have been 8 in November of this year. We lost our baby in March. I don't want our baby to be forgotten. I spent three months giggling over the fact that another baby was growing. I have spent 8 years trying to not be sad.

My friend spent almost 9 months preparing for a baby....6 weeks won't help her feel joyous. 6 years won't. For a mom, no amount of time will ever help you get past loosing a child, no matter how old they were when you lost them. But never pretend that child didn't exist. Because they did.

My friend has faith. Faith in the Lord. That is how she will survive this. Her faith. I have faith in that. It is all I have.

Slacker

Wow - Can I be more slack?? Nope. I miss my days of typing my thoughts that are never seen by anyone.  I miss being able to go back and read what was going on. So here I am. Still struggling. Struggling with a job that can become overwhelming...because I let it. Struggling in a still "new to us" ministry way of life. Struggling to keep the house clean, kids fed and educated...and clean. Struggling to keep my head above water. I feel very much alone in a crowd of people. Why? I think it comes with the territory. People expect more than I am. I have one person I send my complaints to...my husband. But we all know that females like to say their issues out loud and then bear it all on their own. Men, men like to fix issues. So, when I want to just talk, my husband is busy trying to fix. When I don't take his advice, feelings are hurt. I know, I know...find a new person to complain to....and it should be God. I know that. I teach kids that all the time. The problem is, I don't listen to myself. Maybe I should.

Anyway - The kiddos are still good to go. I have a 7th grader who can finally read(trouble is finding interesting and appropriate material). My 5th grader thinks she is much older than she really is. My sweet 4th grader is so fill of boyish mischief and silliness that I can't keep up. The 1st grader is going to be a drama queen to the max. And my little guy....well, he is 4 but he is small so he can still curl up in my lap and love me.

My hubby is still working with a Camp. Still no regular paycheck. But he seems to enjoy it. He freely spends the majority of his time working hard for them. One of the hardest working men I know.

I still love my church. I love to work there although I do tend to overbook myself with events. Therein lies my problem. I try to stay busy. Someone caught me being "nice" at the ladies retreat...taking boxes of Kleenex to the ladies who were crying. I just see that as part of the job. In order for an event to run smoothly, you have to have people on stand-by who don't mind missing out on the deep stuff to take care of the mundane. That's me. It is right up my alley...constant work and zero appreciation. I am uncomfortable with praise. So I like the background. However, this year I realized that my behind the scenes work is really a selfish cover-up. I don't want to get emotional. I don't want to cry in front of everyone. Maybe because I spend my time in tears when I am alone. But I noticed this year that I stay busy so that I don't succumb to the emotional toil of life. I have enough of that. I stay busy to escape life. Ha...funny...I have created a life to escape my life. Not really funny.

How do I fix that?? Easy answer - turn to God - pray about it and He will provide...it is the truth but is it really that easy? YES!!! But in order for it to happen, I have to give it to Him..thus the dilemma. I like to have a bit of control. I do. I know how a thing is supposed to go and I know how to get it done so why have a middle man if I can do it easier...and better.... I am an extremely selfish person. I just want to do it. So...I need to step back. I have been experimenting with this...but failing. I will try harder. I will try to slow down and "do" less. And try some new ideas since the old ones seem to be turning into obstacles. Crazy....just writing down our thoughts can open up our minds to new ideas.

Cha.Cha.Cha.Changes

A new season. Fall has come again. But that isn't the new season that has me frazzled and confused. We have begun a new season in our life, our marriage...in our journey with God. My husband lost his job in March. He looked for a new job but nothing seemed right. Honestly, my hubby is the type of guy who is great at EVERYTHING he does. If he doesn't know everything about a subject, he will in a few days. He is a wealth of pretty useless knowledge. It comes in handy.

Anyway, nothing seemed to be working out. Until one day.....those words can be some troublesome. The Queen ruled her kingdom happily, until one day.  The family was content in their small dwelling, bumping into each other, until one day..... You get the idea. Well, our one day came! I have always prayed for us to be in a stronger ministry. A ministry where he is at the forefront. I have prayed for him to be our spiritual strong front...our leader. Well, sometimes God likes to hold a door shut until the exact moment of opportunity and then He doesn't just open it...He swings it WIDE open.

I sometimes feel like I got hit in the face by the door. When my sweetheart told me he lost his job, I was calm...I remained steady in my faith. But recently, it has been hard. See, we have become full-time missionaries. WHAT!!??!! Yep, those are my thoughts. When I tell people that...I get weird looks. As if they feel I am asking for a donation(all donations are accepted). Or that we have lost our minds. Or that we have taken the easy way out. EASY WAY?? I think we work twice as hard...and have no paycheck to show. I am not complaining. I am struggling. Finances are not my thing. I panic..I totally loose it when I pay the bills and we are making enough money. But to not know where it is coming from????

WOW!!! God is growing me. I thought I had such strong faith. But it seems that my faith was dependent on my circumstances a wee bit. I have become uncomfortable with this idea...but I have not abandoned it. I know that in the looooong run, God will take care of us. And He will do it without my help...He can provide. My issue is how to deal with this new way of life. How exactly do you budget nothing? How do you prepare if you have no provisions? God is teaching me...I am a tough student to teach. I think I know it all...but I don't.

I am drowning. My head is barely above water. However, a friend recently paid for me to be a part of a Bible Study and it seems as though I am beginning to tread water. I don't see a huge hole of blackness and debt that we are rushing toward. I see lives being changed...ours included. I can't just run out and buy bread or a new pair of shoes. I can't just go get new markers for school b/c my dry-erase markers are all dry. I have to think of new ways to teach, hot glue the shoes back together...and guess what - Flour tortillas make great sandwiches. Sometimes....just meat and cheese is a delicious change for the kids..they love it. They are more accepting of the changes that are coming.

So maybe I learn from them. Just trust God and know that He will take care of me. If He feeds that sparrows and clothes the lilies of the fields...will He not provide much more for me??

September is here and that means that school begins for us. This year I will be teaching fourth grade, second grade, first grade, K-4, running a nursery school, teaching all subjects from Math to Sketching, from Dance to Science. I will be teaching home skills, manners, sewing, cooking, cleaning, house keeping, PE, cake decorating, cookie decorating, scouting, gardening, canning, horticulture and mulch more(haha- mulch - get it??). I will be teaching our newest student to talk, walk, run, and jump. I will do all of this, keep the house perfectly clean and have dinner ready each night by 5:30. Also, this year I will be adding a family style breakfast Tuesday-Sunday. I will of course be continuing my part-time job as the Children's Director and Middle School Director at our church. How will I do this?? Easy - the very first thing I will do each morning is take time out to be with my Father and Savior. I will spend time with Him first. Then I will do an exercise routine. I think it is possible....I will find out Monday. I must be honest, I am excited to see what gets accomplished and what gets pushed aside.

I have learned so much this summer...mainly that I love Fall. The Lord has been guiding and directing me along the correct path and I have strayed little. He knows that this summer was not a good summer for me to be apart from Him. I can't wait to put into practice all the things I have learned.
The above picture is from the first day of school 2011....I can't wait to put up a new picture and see how they have grown!!!

Well, I truly know that no one reads this blog so I use it for myself. If you happen to run across it...sorry to disappoint, but there really isn't much here to change your life...it is about changing mine. My mission now is to get through summer but to ahcieve  major goals....this all begins tomorrow.
Goal #1 - get my kids caught up in reading, writing and math. I am not concerned about history, science or social studies right now.
Goal #2 - get in shape - I am done having babies and now I need to keep up with the ones I have.
Goal #3 - travel - I want my family o get out of town more
GOAL #4 - create and stick to a household notebook....this is the task that is fully reliant upon me...so I hope it works out.

I put it all here in hopes that I will make myself accountable...but who knows.

**Of course I have some major spiritual goals but those are for me and my eyes only right now.
My goal tonight- get my notebook ready for tomorrow.

Well, here I am again. I just can't find time to get one here. Although I do think that I will this summer. We are going to school through the summer even though my allotted time with the county will be finished. I am worried that my students will loose all the juicy stuff I taught them this year. Okay, most of the details are already lost but the main points are in there...somewhere. We will be doing school just two day a week and the testing on Fridays. So it will be open and we will enjoy it. With VBS and other things going on, a full work week just wouldn't be ideal for our family.

Here is a run down of how we are doing.
Layne - working and at the church non-stop. we are lucky to see him.

Bean - Reading very well, just not reading very often. She doesn't enjoy it. I haven't found a book she wants to read. I may take her to the library-alone- so we can browse uninterrupted. I know she will love reading once she truly develops those skills. Right now, she is emergent. That just means that she only reads when she has to...but that will all change.
She has decided to take up sewing and since her mama doesn't know how to do it, she has signed up for classes at a nearby store.

EC-Oh boy!! She is a nut. She has decided that humor is her "thang". She loves to tell jokes and has begun silly pranks around the house. She keeps us laughing. Her artwork is getting better and I am glad. She didn't place in the google thing but I can see that this only motivated her for next year.

Buddy - WOW! What can I say? He is wild!!! He loves to do school and he is very quick in math. He still likes to snuggle and is great with the baby. This kid is really a superstar.

Ray- She keeps is smiling. I love to hear the silly things she says, sings and plays. Her imagination is so much brighter than any of our other kids. She is wonderful...and full of trouble. She never obeys and always has a reason. She will keep us busy.

Little Man- He is growing fast. Crawling, babbling and trying to always be in the middle of the action. I couldn't have been blessed with a better baby to end my birthing career.

We are all doing great!!! The Lord is faithful! 

Break-through

Well, those of you who have been journeying with me for a while will know the pain and guilt that has accompanied my oldest child's struggles in school. I am a teacher...not just because I home school. I am a certified teacher in the state of Georgia. However, I am a teacher because that is what the Lord created me to be. How do I know? Simple...no matter what I do, the teacher in me always sneeks out. Even at VBS I seem to want the facts about things and not just silly fun stuff. So having a child who struggles with reading and hates school has been a massive battle that breaks my heart daily.

My reason for posting today...the Lord has been faithful. I know that years ago when I first sat down with Lilly when she was 3 and I began to teach her...the Lord knew the future. He knew the joy of this day would not come without many sleepless nights, tempers, fits of rage, lost hair and tears. Lilly read 31 pages of a Dr. Seuss book. Yes, she had read before but she has read baby books and then she became so comfortable with her Dick and Jane readers that I had to ban them from the house(don't worry, I never made Dick or Jane actually leave, I just got tired of hearing about their running and playing and how funny their life is). Tonight's reading was different. It was from a book that she never would pick up before. She read with confidence and of course, she struggled over many words. Yes, some words she had no idea(we have't gotten to those sounds yet) but it was miraculous!!! I know the Lord was smiling down on me saying, "Child, if you would just trust me and stop trying to speed things along, you would have less ulcers, more hair and fewer wrinkles." I understand that now....not sure how long I will retain the lesson.

So, add my child to the millions of others in this world who can read at least a first grade book. But don't keep her on that list for long. I can see now that she is gong to love the places that a book can take her. She will soon be reading college level books...which means a 7th grade reading level, thereabout.

Randomness in my head

Today as I was trying desperately to finish cleaning for once in my life....obvioulsy I stopped cleaning to blog here, I overheard someone on the radio. She mentioned that Jesus is the ONLY One who as ever been with you through every situation of your life. Immediately my thoughts went back to a night in 1987...a Thursday night. February 5 to be exact. I remember laying in my grandmother's bed with her and my brother. She was in the middle which put me near the sliding glass window. She had huge curtains hanging in the window and plants everywhere. I can still see those plants and curtains in my mind. However, the memory isn't about those things. The memory revolves around a prayer. I am not sure if this is the night on which I first truly believed in God for myself and not just because I was supposed to or not. I remember lying there and praying that God would heal my dad. Pleading with Him through silent tears. Then I just realized that He might not heal my dad...so I prayed that (age9) God would take me. I prayed that He would take my soul that night and give my dad another chance. Oh, I can remember telling Him that my mom and brother and dad would soon get over my death because I was young and they could have more kids. I truly am amazed at that, now at 35. I can still remember closing my eyes for what I really thought would be the last time here on earth. I was very disappointed the next day. I just knew that Friday was not ordinary. I was so hurt that God hadn't listened to my pleas. My dad died that afternoon. But that one intimate moment with God prepared me. When my mom told me the news, of course my heart shattered into a million pieces that would never find their way back together the exact same way, but I can remember sitting in that car and knowing that even though it seemed like life was not worth living, that God would take care of us. He did. I have lately felt a void in my heart....just an abscense. I try hard to make sure the kids understand the foundation of faith..trying to make sure that my job as a parent is done to the glory of God. Between that, a new baby and two surgeries plus a part time job that takes up a lot of thought time....I have just felt alone. When that night popped back into my head it was like the warmth of God enveloped my heart and He reminded me that He was there back then...He is here now and has been. He will be with me...He holds my future and just as He held my past. Moreso, He holds me. He knew on that night in 1987 that I would be here today in 2012 and I would remember...I love my God. His grace is more than I deserve...but I am ever thankful for it. God is amazing.

So, you think that you are such a bad person that God can't use you?? Well, you haven't met my God. He used a toilet today to speak to me. :)

We were frantically trying to clean the house up and have things looking nice before Daddy arrives home. I ordered each child to a different room with a job. Bean, being the oldest was given the honorable job of the hall bath. Now, before you get your knickers in a knot, she doesn't clean the toilet, she just straightens up and wipes the counter area.

As I was giving out jobs, our youngest Daughter, our Ray of Sunshine runs up and exclaims that she must use the potty NOW! So I asked Bean to help her. That was the extent of my order. In my mind it was clear that I meant for her to put the potty seat on the toilet. End of story -- nothing more.

A few minutes later I hear Beanie chanting, "You can do it! Get that poo-poo out! You can do it, girl! Go Rachel - Get it out!" I laughed to myself and ask what she is doing. She replies, "Helping Rachel like you said."

Well, how sweet. She thought she was obeying me. She thought she was dong just as I had asked. I asked her to help and she was doing what she thought was needed. But in doing so, she was not doing the other things I had asked her...she wasn' doing her job.

This got my mind going. Was I listening to God? or do I talk too much...was I doing what I thought would help instead of what was asked of me? If I get confused, do I ask Him to clarify or do I just do whatever? Am I allowing the Holy Spirit to be heard or am I yelling so loudly over Him my questions and concerns that I can't hear His ever-so-soft answer?

Sometimes I know that I am talkign over Him...that He is clearly leading me one way and I just am not ready...or at least I don't think I am. But God knows best. He always leads me, gentley scolding me along the way. I must learn to follow Him more closely and not let my sin-filled heart take charge.

Yes, all of this I got from the potty. Haven't heard God speaking to you lately? I don't think it is that He has stopped talking. It might be that you are not listening, not seeking Him. God has spoken to me through friends, the Bible, sunsets, mountains, and now He has used the toilet.

Ok - So why do we homeschool...well, you may think the answer lies in the sometimes corrupt school sysem. Not exactly. Perhaps it is the fact that I want to shelter my children and not expose them to the lies of the world...not entirely. Maybe I am one of those people who believes that my faith is the right faith and only my God is the true God..Well..yes I am. But that isn't why I homeschool. We homeschool because right now we feel that is where God is leading us. It is that simple. When we feel the urge from God to move the kids to another way of schooling - we will.

Is homeschooling easy...never. We struggle daily. We never gets breaks away from each other. Having the same person as mommy and teacher is rough some days. Having the same person as child and pupil is sometimes harder. However, the struggles are growing us. Growing us together with God. Yes, I do like the idea of sharing my religious views with my children and no, i do not think that right now they need to be exposed to other religions on a daily basis. Oh..another hard-headed, "my way or the highway" Christian...YES! No other religion actively teaches their kids that the other may be rght or better suited for that kid. But only Christians are thought of as hypocritcal and close-minded. When it comes to my God...I guess I am closeminded.

I don't want my children exposed to it all just yet. They are randomly exposed to a lot. Going out to the store, at church with their friends, the TV...all of these entities bring questions to their minds and concerns to my heart. However, when the questions come I answer them...not liking the idea of the "Let's talk later" defense that results in the topic never being approached.

Have I lost friends due to homeschool? Sort of. I have friends who were once close but their views on homeschool are very apparent in the way they talk about my kids or other's. That wall gets built up stronger and stronger until I face the fact that I am no longer comfortable with that person. I don't like the way they look at my kids as inferior or pity them because they are so far behind their own brilliant child. When one child falls behind their answer is to stick them in public school so they can get "the help the need". When my child excels past their child, then I should put them in school so that their abilities are encouraged correctly. HELLO???? If I did, I might end up being their teacher...I am certified. Would that be wrong? Should my child not go to the school I teach at? I do get my feathers ruffled, don't I?

We homeschool beacuse that is what God has planned for this period of our life. I hope that if your kids are in public school, that they are there because it is God's plan and not just because it is easy for you. If your child is in private school, I hope it is due to God's planning and not because you feel it best. if God is not at the center of such a BIG decision...pray about it. It may be that you are doing right but you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Or, your life may take a dramatic turn.

Homeschool for us is difficult. It carries more tears, uncertainty and heart aches than you can imagine...but it is the path for us right now. I pray that my friends can accept it. Oddly enough...I think they have the idea that I feel I am better than them because we homeschool. They react in a negative way which gives me the idea that they feel superior...if only we could just accept that God has different things planned for us all.

Occupied

Well, there are so many protestors around the world protesting the inequities of our country. They claim to be the 99% of the people who pay the most taxes and who have no jobs. Perhaps one reason you have no job is because of the fact that you feel entitled. Americans feel entitled. We feel that we should be able to buy anything we want. What?? You don't have the cash for this? Oh, well here, put it on your credit card. We feel that we are enitled to have certain things that are not rights, not needs. We must always have a cell phone AND we must always be connected. Just this week I heard about the CRASH of 2011. I thought for a moment that the stock market had crashed and people were committing suicide like they did years ago when the market would crash...nope. I thought perhaps another 911 typed scenerio...not quite. So what was the CRASH of 2011 that forced the Occupiers out of the headlines for a moment?? Oh, the Blackberry system crashed. Oh, well how did I not knw about that tragedy? How did I not realize that people all over the world were unable to pay their bills using their phones or get emails RIGHT THEN! Oh the tragedy!! Well, I didn't know becuase I am not a Blackberry user. I know, hard to believe. I just don't do the Blackberry thing. So, this horrific CRASH of 2011 wasn't even on my radar.
My response to it...WHO CARES! GO BACK TO THE PROTESTORS!!!! So once the media realized that the Blackberry users who were all over the news were not longer able to comment beacuse they had to catch up on all those emails and pay those bills, they returned to the dirty streets of NY and other cities around the country to get the story on the 99%. Now, the protestors have been living in the streets...eating there, sleeping there, pooping there?? GROSS! I thought NY had rules against vagrancy and people laying on benches and having their stuff everywhere. When interviewed- they all want equality...but just equality that means they get someone else's money. So, if we use a trickle down effect then the richest should give to the rich who give to the middle class who give to the poor who give to the poverty stricken. So then we would all be middle class so it wouldn't change their own financial state...hmmmm... I know, they want the taxes to be fair but let's be honest...how many of the occupiers would be guilty of fibbng on their taxes?
It just won't end. What these people really want is to take the money from people who may or may not have earned millions and give it to themselves. It just doesn't work that way. We need to realize that we have to work harder. We must save. We are not all going to be priviledged with a large inheritance. We won't all be shrewd business managers who can honestly or dishonestly make millions. However, we can go out and find a way to make money honestly. We can save. We can put down our gadgets and smart phones and not have that bill to pay each month. We can sell what we have that isn't really a necessity. It could be done and it will be hard. Those who are out protesting..fine. But equality! If the Hobo's can't legally sleep in the park neither can you. Did you really loose your money through faulty schemes or were you trying to make a quick buck? Did you loose your job because of the economy or did you loose it beacuse you are lazy? Is your current financial trial because you were honestly swindled or did you get in over your head with those nasty credit cards? Did you loose your home in a foreclosure or did you take out a mortgage that you knew you could not afford and so you lost the building of your dreams that should have never been a reality? Entitlement...
Oh and the celebrities that make appearances for the portestors..HA!!! They are the rich! They don't pay for most of what they wear or eat so we make up for that. Also, they are not sleeping on those benches. They are going home to lush apartments and enjoying life. Celebrity endorsement really don't help the Occupiers...it makes their cause seem...silly.

So, what we need is to get the WORD out. We really need some teams of Christians to go into the Occupiers and speak to them about God while they are there. That is what they need. They need to hear that God is there to take care of them if they will change their ways. I am rich. I will be getting a large inheritance...not the kind they are yelling for though. But my Father is a King. and according to His plan, the squeaky wheel does not get the oil. Only the wheel that does what He asks. The wheel that is working. The wheel that pleases Him. The squeaky wheel that demands the oil but refuses to listen and obey...well that wheel is going to be thrown aside and eventually destroyed. No, I don't believe in a works centered salvation...it is by God's Soveriegn Grace but once saved, we must obey...we must. And if we are about the Kindgdom work...I don't think we would have time to Occupy the streets. We will be too busy being occupied by the Spirit.

Home Schooling....

How do I know that Home School is working? I get asked this a lot. I know it works because I get to see the lightbulb turn on when my kids finally figure something out. For most moms, their kids come home from school and can count to ten. They are excited and they count it out over and over. For us, I am the one who makes then recite their numbers and look at flash cards and count lady bugs. I am the one who cries secretly because it has been two weeks and the kid still goes from three to six. However, I am also the one who is sitting there leading a lesson when my child counts from one to ten correctly and stands up with their hands raised above their heads shouting "I did it!! I did it!" and we all clap then have them count again. So I gladly trade two plus weeks of tears and self-doubt for ten seconds of joy. It means more to me becuase I see the struggle they go through. Counting to ten or whatever the lesson was seems to be a blip on most people's daily lives but on the map of my life, each little blip is a moment of rejoicing in the Lord because He has opened their eyes to something new.

But you want proof....okay. I will give you a quick glimpse into the brains of my children...BE WARE - this may cause you to run to your local school, yank your kids out and teach them yourselves.

My Ray of Sunshine's alphabet- __________ and _____________ sitting in a tree. K I S S I N G H I J K LeMeN O P T U V W Y Z

Bean's Columbus day Theory - Teacher(me) - So, if Christopher Columbus sailed such a long time ago, is there anyone alive today who was alive when he was sailing? Lilly - Yes, Grandpa Stone.

Buddy recognizes his numbers - "Mommy, look at that sign, I know what letter that is!" I reply

"Oh, wonderful! What letter is it?" Daniel proudly states "Mommy, that is the letter zero!"

Ella Cate singing the Grin Again Gang song - "Green Green Gabels, Smile Sweetly Satan go away...and that is all I know"

So see people - these children are the furture! and you too could have amazing results just like these if you wish just by keeping your kids at home and filling their heads wth all the stuff you know and hoping that at some point in their lives they meet someone else who can fill in the blanks and put the facts in order.

But seriously - I do intend to come back to my computer tonight and write a serious story about how home school is changing our lives. But with five kids at home with me 24 hours a day - I can't always be serious!

Septemeber is gone

Well I am not sure of what happened here. I seems as if just yesterday I was beginning school and we put up our September calendar heading. Sadly it is now time to take it down?? WHAT?? So here is what we did in September -
School began and it is going great. It isn't perfect and trying to add our Little Man to the mix is very rough. Some days it all just happens(through the Lord) and some days we have to simply stop. Bean is reading more fluently but is still stuck in the Dick and Jane books. We tried a new book this week to no avail. Similar words in a different print style. We will contnue. EC is doing wonderfully. She is learning to read and write and she can actually sound out her words where as Bean can't. Buddy is coming along. He likes to read the letter zero! :) He is learning though. He likes to count for strangers and when he sees a number he has to just yell it out. Letters are not happening at all yet but they will stick eventually.
Ray - well, she is still a handlefull. I have things for her to do during school but she prefers to be the teacher. She likes to sit in my lap or in the other kids seats but never her own desk. We are woking on obedience.

Yesterday was Ray's birthday. She is now three. She had wonderful day except that we went to the Doctor that monring for her and Little Man's check-up. Everyone ended up getting hots(except Lilly- she got the flu mist) but Ray had a bad reaction and ran a good fever and cried all night. So did Little Man. But since Layne was out of town, we didn't even really celebrate her day big. We did give her gifts and Grandma came over because I forgot to tell her there was no party but we had fun. We were supposed to go Apple Picking today but with two ill babies, I pass.

What a month..I guess it didn't fly by so fast. I look forward to what the Lord has planned for October.

Our first day of school was today. If the entire year goes this smooth...I might survive - I mean we will have great fun! Bean is beginning third grade. Her reading is improving and might be considered borderline first grade. So to begin her and EC together will be good. EC of course is beginning first grade. They will have some areas of work that are almost identical and then some that aren't. Bean will be learning cursive in a few weeks which is a plus in her book. EC will not. However, Bean has a few more writing assignments and projects - that she is as of yet unaware of.

Buddy has begun kindergarden. He loved it all! He was so ready to write and read and color. I was impressed with his zeal. He was ready for recess though when it was time and then wanted to come back for more. He liked the math. Math U Can See. I am trying it with all the kids this year. How will i go? I guess we will see :)

My little Ray of Sunshine was great. She sat patiently waiting for her instructions. She loved sitting in her "little Deskes" She color and drew like there was no tomorrow. She went through her flashcards. Only one fatality...it is with great sorrow and remorse that I sit here and type that we lost purple crayon this morning. He was a good wax stick. He did his best to turn the blue skies purple...He added a beautiful hue to all that he met. His life with us was just a short few minutes from box to trash. In his honor I am thinking it would have been appropriate for some purple rain to fall today. Or at least a purple haze.

In the afternoon we did a lot of outdoor activites and we made apple cookies...no way you nutrition minded psychos!!! We did not learn about good healthy food. We dipped oreo cookies into melted red candy and stuck pretzels and fruit snacks on them. See, I try to be ahead of the times with my teaching. Right now, the big push is for nutrition in school, for less obeseness and more health. Well, I can see a mile down the road. This will be like all school trends. In a few years some genius will do some reseach and find that we are better off feeding kids cookies and candy. So I am gonna go ahead and being that band-wagon...feel free to jump on at any time. I say Free the Fritos!! Toss the Twix! Suck up the Sneakers!! and Obliterate the oreos!!! Don't tread on my decision and my choice to fill my family full of sugar and MSG and numerous other things I can't even pronounce!! VIVE the SUGAR!!!

Sidenote- we had grilled chicken and green beans for dinner

plus another apple oreo for dessert- HEE HEE

Crochet

Calling all Grannies!!!

Yep that is what I feel like as I sit in my chair and crochet for hours. I never knew it could be so relaxing. If the kids are going wild and are being extremely loud...If Jacob is crying and I need him to just lie there for ten or fifteen minutes in order to not totally spoil him...If I can't sleep or I am holding Jacob and have free hands but can't get up...I crochet! And I love it.

In the past few months I have just become hat crazy. Jacob has four hats. He has an owl, and elephant, a giraffe and a regular hat. Rachel now has a frog hat. The girls boh have hats I made last year but theya re getting better ones soon. Daniel has requested a monster hat...so I will make him one and make Jacob a matching one.

Ella Cate hasa huge afghan I made that is now falling apart but I am steadily fixing it. Jacob has a newborn jacket and he has a cute hooded blanket. I even made him a turtle.

I strongly recommend this. It is great. Even if I don't make anything, I am now at a point where I can crochet just to gt my mind off the things around me...and sometimes I need that.

Big kids outside playing.
Little Dude in bed.
House almost clean in places.
Taking a break from preplanning.
Started a hat for Little Dude that ended up too big for him but great for my Ray of Sunshine..
What a wonderful day!!

What a beautiful day it is today. I can feel the Fall weather coming along...okay, so it is the hurricane coming but in my mind Fall has sprung..or perhaps, Fall has fallen?

We are stil praparing for the beginning of school!!! I am planning and the kids are getting used to a non-summer schedule. I can't wait. Praying for a delightful year.

Jacob is resting on my bed. This is the first baby we have let use our room. I am hoping that next week I will be able to utilize the playpen more at night but my fear is the other kids going in there. So, who knows!!

This morning Rachel has been dancing and 'juggling' one ball. She is quite a sight! I let her stay up later last night and we had a premidnight snack together..she didn't eat much dinner. She and I sat and talked and I fell more in love with her!

Well, the countdown to school is on. I am going to spend the majority of today preparing for it. I hope to convince my mom to watch some kids this week so I can take the oldest two out into Macon and show them around. Our first unit is on cities. It seems a bit boring and we learn about rocks and things. However, if I can get them out into the city to see how it works, then it might become interesting. We are also going to the local state park to find rocks and view erosion patterns....YAY!!





Little Man is coming along quite nicely. He is sleeping better but still likes for me to hold him non-stop. I have a sling for him but I am not sure it is going to be a great school accessory. We will see.





Buddy is going to begin kindergarten here and so he is excited. I hope I can keep his joy going and not turn him into a school h8tr.





My Little Ray of Sunshine is becoming a handful, more so than usual. She has decided to try to put the potty behind her and regress but I have some tricks up my sleeve. Today I explained to her that if she can't use the potty properly, she can't hold Little Man. She calls him Little Dude. When that wears off, I will use her best friend, C as my hold out. We will see.





EC is becoming more like her old self. This past year has been difficult for her. She is now getting her appetite back. For a while I was worried that she would dwindle to nothing but she is back to normal almost. She used to love school but being around older kids and hearing them moan and groan, she has taken up the habit of it. However, she is eager to read so I think she will love this year of first grade.





Bean...well I just don't know what to say. She is a great helper when she wants to. Problem is..she just doesn't want to anymore. She is content to do nothing. Even when she excels at something, like piano, she bails out. So, praying for this one extra hard because she needs a boost.





The hubby and I are doing great. I am doing an intense workout series trying to gain my strength back. The kids pile into the living room and workout with me. So it is like I have my own class at the gym. Daniel likes to flex his muscles so I usually have him do extra push ups to gain some upper body muscles. I can't wait for him to flex one day and a muscle really pop up!!





So we are doing great!!!

Well, we are settling in here. Jacob is feeding about every four hours...well for the last eight hours anyway. I am hoping this trend continues as I need more time inbetween and he needs to grow. His hair continues to grow more red each day. YIKES!!! And I can tell he is going to be tough...he has to be. Everytime he turns around there is another kid in his face yelling and asking him to play.

I have been enjoying my time off of work. I know I put in a lot of time to a part time job(like I have said before, there is no such thing as part time ministry) but I never realized how much time I was taking away from my kids. I did zero camps this summer but I spent everyday with my kids. I liked it. I have been calm on Sundays and Wednesdays because they aren't "work days" right now. However, I can't wait to get back to work...clarify - I can wait, but I will be happy to get back to work and take some responsibility from Layne.

I have been thinking alot about last words today. I watched a show last night that dealt with a father's last words to his son. It hit me, I am one of just a handful of my friends who can even contemplate what that means. Most of my friends have both parents, all their aunts and uncles and even all four grandparents still living. When I graduated from high school I had one parent and one grandparent. I still have all five uncles and six aunts. It blows my mind when someone my age looses a grandparent and they act as if the world is over. I understand the loss is difficult. But I see things with different eyes. I see that we are blessed to have them here for just a little while...this goes for anyone in our lives. I see that the longer we have loved ones around, the more blessed we seem to be. But at some point the idea must cross your mind that they won't live forever. They will die one day, and we can't let that fact or that event ruin our lives. Our purpose here is not to sit around and love each other. It is to create more disciples. I know, my veiw of things is warped because I have dealt with death a lot, mainly in my younger years. My Sweet Granny died when I was 7. My grandmother when I was 8, my dad when I was 9. Several young people from my school died over the years which taught me that death doesn't just take those who have lived a long life. My grandfather when I was 12-13 and my granny when I was 18. We burried my grandfather on my little cousin's birthday and my granny died the day before I began my first job. That taught me that death is truly inconvinent, it is never part of our plans.
Last words are important. The last conversation I had with my dad is in my head. The exact words have disappeared over the years but I know what we said. I told him about my signed papers and that he owed me money. He told me he would pay when he got out of the hospital. I told him how much I loved him and wanted him home. He told me he loved me and that he missed me. Two days later he was gone forever.
My last words to all my grandparents were love-filled. In fact, I called my grandmother back one night the weekend before she died just to tell her I loved her and talk. I had never done that before. I know God was in charge.
So, when your spouse, child, parent, friend leaves you next time, what will your potential last words be? Will they be filled with contempt, hate, sarcasm? Will they be poking fun or condenscending? Or will they be filled with love from you and from the Father? Will you take that step of faith to make sure they know the Lord? Will you make sure they know your stance with God? Your love for them?

Another week has gone by. Not much new is happening here. I am simply tryng to get the house on a schedule and get school planned for this year. I will be homeschooling the kids again but this year Ella Cate will be in first grade so she must do 180 days just like her big sister, Lilly, a third grader. Daniel will aslo be joining us most everyday as he begins kindergarden. Rachel will be in and out doing preschool work and learning basic concepts.

I am very excited. We are using the WEAVER Curriculum and I have planned out the firts two weeks but I am still unsure as to how it works. I hope that after a few months I will understand it totally and this will work with all of my kids through high school.

We will be doing the Phonics Road to Spelling and Reading. I read several reveiws that implicated this curriculum would be great for a child like Lilly who has Dyslexia but then I read a few that disagreed. I checked this material out and I think it will be benficial. If not for Lilly, the others will get a lot out of it.

I plan to purchase Math U See today. It will be our math. I am just not sure which items to buy.

We are using othr resources as well. We have some extra science, handwriting, drawing...things to make learning fun.

We will not be starting school until September so I have time to get ready...I hope!

Life with 5ive

Well, the transition from four kids to five has been very easy so far. Jacob sleeps a LOT!!! That makes it easier to get things done. He likes to be held and I like to hold him. So that does cause some issues. I am waiting for a free(well $11.00 s/h) sling to come in that is supposed to work great for small babies. That way I can work and hold him. I think I may be completely smitten with him. Last night i cold not put him down. I mean, I did for a while then I just sat and waited for him to cry. Then he woke up to have a bottle and I could no put him back down. I cried and cried trying to make myself just lay hm down. I finally just laid down with him on the couch until I got my fill. Then I got up and laid him down. So obvioulsy the hormones are still in effect.
He is cute as a button and his hair gets a wee bit more red each day...I am getting used to it. If he gets the least bit upset, he turns bright red...so we have our work cut out for us.
The others love him. Each day they run in to see him. They 'ohh' and 'ahh' over him and kiss him all over. Rachel can't leave him alone. It is crazy.
But I like it. I think five completes us. I feel so alive...so fresh---after a rough time being pregnant(bc i like control) I finally feel as if i can get started with the rest of my life. The holding pattern is complete.

Jacob has arrived

Well, after a very long and strenuous pregnancy, Jacob Martin joined our family on July 25 at exactly 3:00. He weighed 7 pounds 4.5 ounces. He was 20 inches long and his head was a tiny 14.5.
I can still remember back in Novemeber, feeling as if I was pregnant again. It wasn't quite in the plans but I was happy. I took one test on a Wednesday and it was negative. I decided to wait for about two weeks before I took another one but I could not wait that long. I took it that weekend...it was positive. However, telling Layne wasn't going to be easy. So I knew for a few weeks. Then after we left his sister's house for a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner, once the kids were all in bed for a nap and he was utterly exhausted...I told him. He was shocked but he was smiling. And really, who can't smile at that point? A new baby was already growing. The Lord has already begun to form Jacob in my womb.
With this pregnancy came a lot of pain in my hips and I struggled with my usual iron deficiencies. That made me very tired but I tried to save up my energy for VBS and things. I did pretty good. I had some issues with my moods and how irritated I get with people. I didn't have a large threshold for dealing with people so I cut down on how much time I spent with others. It worked out.
Then July came. I was ready any moment. I wanted to wait untl Jacob was ready to come but my doctor insisted on inducing so I went along. I didn't get an epidural...so if you are contemplating that route...it is rough but worth it. Call me!:)
Of course those who know me understand that pain meds have never worked well on me. In fact it was pain meds that caused me to say mean things to a man named Travis Tritt one time in an elevator..Sorry about that Mr. Tritt!
Anyway, the Stadol they gave me caused me to have a pretty bad reaction. The nurse said she had never seen or heard of anyone having such an odd reaction. I kept forgetting to breathe(bad sign)and I kept falling asleep. If it weren't for the contractions I think I wold have slept through it all. I mean I was having severe contrations, Jacob was in position to be pushed out any second and I would fall asleep for brief moments. But he came out...almost falling to the floor but my doctor is pretty fast and caught him. I got the shakes which apparently is common with those who do not get epidurals but they should at least tell you that before you begin to think there is an earthquake happening only to realize you are the only one moving sparadically around. Then I fell asleep. I didn't hold or really see Jacob until I was in the postpardum room. The doctor even spoke to a friend and the other doctors in his practice about me because after I had Jacob I didn't speak to anyone, I didn't answer his questions, I just rolled over and didn't even look at Jacob. I guess he thought I was going into depression. It was quit funny when I told his co-worker that I had been asleep. She laughed.
But Jacob is perfect. He sleeps great. He prefers his bottles. He needed the extra iron. I had been warned by the doctors that nursing him would be near impossible due to my iron issues this time. I am fine with that. He is adorable.
Daniel loves to admire him and kiss him and talk to him. Rachel loves to hold him for a few seconds, claims he poots on her and then says "Get him offa me!"
Lilly and Ella Cate have been great. They each have fed him one bottle. Ella Cate loves to take his clothes off and pick out new ones but she doesn't put them on. Lilly loves to snuggle his face next to hers.
I am content to hold him forever. He is beautiful. I am so thankful to God for these little blessings that He gives to me. I know I dont' deserve to watch over His children, not even for one second. Now, my job is to raise these future Gopsel spreaders with love and compassion, discipline and direction and with Godly truths that this world can not tear down.

My oh my...Life happens so fast. It seems likes weeks ago that Layne and I were able to spend some time alone while his sister and her husband watched our kids. It has been a little over a week. We have been so blessed recently...and it is usually in those times of blessings that the enemy(either satan or our own hearts) will begin an attack.
I have been making some decisions lately...decisions that I know God has wanted to me to make for a long time but I was not ready...Imagine that...me telling the Creator of all things...the Master Planner that I had a better idea. What a fool I have been. I look back on several decisions...several relationships that have brought mostly grief and worry...causing me to question God...and the whole time, He was saying "Let Go"
Years ago, walking up a hill while one of the dearest Christian men in my life, a guy by the name of Dean, carried his bike and mine because I simply could not push it any further, I learned one of the most valuable lessons of all times. Dean told me that one of his favorite songs is Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus, because of one line...The arm of Flesh will fail you...as we walked the rest of the way in silence, I could not stop thinking about that line. It was true. Every person, even yourself, will fail you. I thought about my dad, and while he had no choice in the mater, ultimately he failed me. My friends have failed me. My mom has failed me at different times. However, I fail myself the most. If I fail myself on a regular basis, why would I not see that others will fail me to? I don't think I have ever told Dean how much that one conversation meant. To be honest, I have many fond memories of wise things that man shared with me. Right now though, this lessons is first and foremost on my mind. I have put people on pedalstools---that only gives thsoe people more room to fall. I have made friends with people that I knew I should not have---that leads to heartache for others. I am glad that I learned early to never think that just because someone is Christian, that they will never let me down...and I am glad have never thought of myself so highly as to be hurt when I am let down. I am also glad that I learned...perhaps too late in life...that I don't have to be walked on or treated like trash and talked down to...I don't have to take that because that is not what God has called us for. He has said that we should proclaim the Gospel...when we realize that others are hardhearted towards our words, turn and walk away, shaking the dust from our feet - So right now I am getting rid of some of the dust that is clinging to my feet. The dust I carry comes in many forms...So I will shake, shake, shake...and then, the dust that remains will need to be washed off by my Jesus...and I will not anticipate a pedicure-like washing...I anticipate it to be rough and hurt...but so worth it in the end.

I can see clearly now

the rain has gone...

Well, things have gotten a lot better. The Lord heard my cries and He has let me know that He is here. I think being stuck inside with sick kids nonstop was getting the best of me. I am praying we are done with sicknesses. Daniel's little stay in the hopsital was rough. However, the weather has changed. Things are a beautiful shade of green outisde. It feels as if the wintery scales of my heart have been peeled away. I have had some sad news here and there; friends moving, sickness, death...but God is always there to show me things from His perspecitve, which is always so refreshing.

We are almost done with our first and most likely only year of Veritas. Don't get me wrong. Veritas Classical School works great for some families...just not this one. Lilly is the only one who was attending. The curriculum was way too deep and too much for a second grader, in my opinion. I am all for teaching kids as much as they can know but I do believe there are times to teach some things. Why does my second grader need to know about the Byzantine Empire and she can't even find Georgia on a map?

Our school days are winding down. I am excitedly searching for new curriculum. I have decided on a few definate items and then again, I keep looking just in case I missed anything. I am looking forward to next year and school with my three oldest...not sure what I will do with the other two but we will figure it out!

So, my journey seems to be on a smooth uphill. I believe I am past the rough and tumble areas for now. I know they will appear again. My pack seems lighter. If only I had the courage and boldness as to ask the Lord to carry my pack...I know He wants to. Proudly and foolishly I trudge on...hopefully, if the pack on my back gets too heavy I will finally hand it all over to Him. For now, I am thankful for the smooth road, the beautiful scenery and sounds around me. I look back over the cliffs and precipes I have passed and come through. Part of me wants to run...part of me wants to stroll and take my time. This is a nice place. A good way to rest but keep going. I know that if a boulder or fallen tree doesn't appear in my path soon, I may get to comfy and bored. But for now...I walk quietly with my Lord.

It's gonna be a bright..bright..bright SON shining day!!

The Funk

Well, it has been over a month and we have had a bit of excitement here or there but mostly just sick kids. All three big kids are playing ball. We never went on that vacation we pretended to plan. Lilly is doing better in school. I had a birthday that was nothing special - which is how I like it. However, I am in a funk.

I think I am burnt out on life. I feel that I am pulled in about 70 directions at any given second. I can't help but obsess over the little things - dirty dishes, a friend who was offended and won't speak, disobedience from my kids, and a feeling of far-away-ness between myslef and my Lord.

The frustration and confusion has set in and this dark cloud won't leave my skies. I am super tired all of the time. When I do have energy there is SO much work to do that I don't know where to begin. I feel as if I am drowning in a sea of lonliness surrounded by people who don't notice me. I get up to do a devotion and it is superficial at best. Almost as if I am afraid to dive in or if I do dive...I hit a glass bottom and can't go deeper. So I bob along, gasping for air, searching for a new direction. My head is barely above water...my arms are tired of flayling, my legs tired of treading water. If only I had the courage to dive in...Odd isn't it? my answer for this drowning feeling is to dive in further. But that is just it...I need to go deeper - to give up my control - to just not care what others are thinking...and that is the root of my problems. I was the type of person who didn't care what someone thought. I stood up for my beliefs. I was passionate. if I stood true to God and hurt your feelings - not my problem.... Now - I care too much...as if each move I make will cause another to fall or stumble. I pre-mediate all my actions and words...trying hard to not offend, to not upset, to not turn away. I serve all my opinions with a side of soft serve icecream drizzled in chocolate and sprinkles. WHY!!!! This is NOT what the Lord has called me to do. He doesn't want me like this and I know it. I have been worn down by this world. I know what I should do but I am too weak to do it.
Why post this here...uhmmm because I know not on single person who ever checks this stray blog. So I feel okay dumping my feelings here into the cyber world of nothingness in hopes that no one ever reads it. My thoughts and worries are now floating around in a blackened abyss...but still weigh heavy on my heart.

If you do read this - pray...I just needed to vent since I have no one here to really express my inner most thoughts.

2011

Life seems to take over and I seldom have time to do the things that I really want to...such as blog. Autumn was filled with activity. Ella Cate turned 6. We spent our last Thanksgiving and Christmas with Pop, who passed from this life in February. Christmas was eventful. The kids got new bikes. Well, not Rachel. The girls got big girl bikes with no training wheels. They can't really ride them at our house due to elevation concerns. So they have been able to ride once.
2011 began with great enthusiasm. I just knew we were going to have a great year. It has been fairly good. The kids have taken to sharing stomach bugs with each other on a weekly basis. I was so tired of being home that I pleaded with God to make them well so we could venture back into society. So on Valentine's Day He showed His love for me by giving me this dear wish...He flooded my kitchen so that we were forced to live as vagabonds by day for a whole week. The new floor does look nice!
So we have now been 2.5 weeks with no sickies!!!! Well, that is only true if you don't count Layne who has taken to being sick each night but I feel that his illness is due more to his inability to realize that he is older now and can't keep going!! haha

I am doing well. We are going to be having baby number five this summer if all goes well. We have to wait another 2 weeks before we find out what we are having. Everyone is hoping for a boy so that the bedroom situation will be easier.


Layne has just finished his first year of organizing Upward by himself. God urged me(and I heeded - willingly) to step back. He knew there would be a baby coming. So Layne suffered the long days and nights alone this year. However, this program is worth the effort. He did great by the way.



Lilly is 7 and is becoming a good student. She has a want to read now that can't be satisfied yet. Her possible dyslexia is popping its ugly head out quite often but she realizes that there is a problem and is now mature enough to begin to take action.

Ella Cate is becoming quite the young lady. She wants to help more around the house than do schoolwork and since she isn't technically old enough for the county to care, I do allow her to pass on her studies some. She is finally wanting to be outdoors more. I think she feels that we have a handle on her medical issues and she is more comfortable with it all now.

Daniel is a wild child! He wants to do school but doesn't want to sit. He wants to be a lizard keeper but can't stop suffering from lizard attacks. This kids claims to have been bitten by a snail, scratched by a lizard and scratched by an ant with a huge claw. Just yesterday a Lizard clamped onto his finger and wouldn't let go. It doesn't slow him down though. He cries momentarily and then is right back out there. He will be trying out the sport of Tee-Ball this year...we will see how that goes.

Rachel is known as the "gremlin". She likes to be told no or be restricted from something...then she sneaks back to do it...laughing. She is also very matronly already and calls all of her babies "Ruby". She loves to hold a baby doll, rock it, sing to it and then throw it down for a nap. Daniel is still her best buddy and she searches for him first thing each day.
I am again going to make writing on here a priority. Not because I believe people actually read this...but because I like to get my ideas out there and adults are hard to come by in a world filled with kids...the world I live in.
Well, I plan for my next post to be deep and meaningful. Maybe...

Wow! It has been too long!

I knew it had been a while since I had been on here but I didn't realize it had been about five months. Summers are really busy. I have summer camps, VBS, and the KidzRetreat. All of those things went so smoothly and were very successful. The retreat was the best. I really enjoyed my time there with the kids and the middle school kids.

Not much has changed here. Lilly is in second grade now. She is struggling with it all. However, I have read some things that I hope will begin helping her.
Ella Cate us doing a lot of the same work as Lilly but not as much. She still needs to relax and play. She is a super star around here though!

Daniel is quit the little man. He makes friends everywhere he goes. He rode a mechanical bull at the fair. He petted a shark at the aquarium. He has no fear but still begs mommy to snuggle with him each day.
Rachel has surpassed walking and is now running and dancing everywhere!

Layne and I still spend most of our time at church doing work there and he still has his regular job. I have a part time job at Lilly's school. Upward Basketball will be starting soon so I won't get to spend as much time with him.

I will get on my other computer, which I fixed myself and post some pics. Oddly enough, I fixed it but it doesn't run as well. Hmmm....

WOW - I hadn't realized that my last posting was before Ella Cate was admitted to the hospital. So much has been going on.

Ella Cate was very sick back in April. We ended up rushing her to the hospital and she stayed for an entire weekend. It was a very exhausting process. She still isn't back to normal. She gets tired very easily and has a very odd look in her eyes. So, we will soon be visiting a special doctor to make sure her lungs are functioning correctly.

Daniel has been moved to inhalers from breathing machines, however, the pharmacy won't fill one of the prescriptions...why you ask? I don't know. But they haven't gotten it right yet. I guess he doesn't need it right now. He also turned four and we had a little party. He loved it but was upset b/c I forgot to invite his new best buddy - Westin. Plus it was a cowboy party and he forgot to wear his boots. But he did have fun. However, the only parts he remembers are those 2 I mentioned above.

Lilly has graduated from first grade. I was going to go all out and have a big party but I am out of time and energy. I am soooooo glad homeschool is over. We will still be doing school throughout the summer but not on a daily, sit-down and work it out basis. NOTE - SHE CAN READ!!!!!

Ella Cate finished her first grade work also - She can read also!

Rachel has become a constant companion. She won't leave my side. This has good parts and bad parts. She has become very whiney and she falls and busts her mouth open at least twice a week. She did it twice yesterday. Since her tooth is half gone, she open up that space between her teeth each time she falls. So, blood goes everywhere. It looks horrible and as I am cleaning her up, people are looking at me as if to say "One wrong move and I'll call DFCS" but she isn't really hurt, she just can't go long enough to let that place heal.

Layne will be taking the Middle School group at church to a camp this weekend without me. I coudn't find a sitter so I will be hanging with the kids. I think the girls and I might do some fun things to celebrate school being over.

I don't have much going on. Just camps and retreats during the summer. I have a new machine someone donated to the Kids Group - a cricut create. I have been doing all kinds of stuff on it and have revamped my camps to allow me to use this awesome machine with the kids. I think they will love it.

VBS is approaching - Bring the kids!!! We are going to have a blast and the crafts are going to be the greatest!!

Sorry I got no fun or cool or funny news - Just life happening - I had a Thrity-One Party and lots of people came and we had fun. My house is clean. Rachel is in a twin bed. Daniel is in a tent. The kitchen is almost done(waiting on my BIL to help me add some doors btu he is heading to TX this week).

Life is happening and it is happening fast. I can't make it through the day without my Lord. praise God that we can enjoy this life and look forward to the next one.

Now I have to go - I have about 47 million things to get done before church tonight. I promise to add some wonderful things over the next week. When I am not tired from working out.

Oh yeah - I got up and worked out this morning - Ella Cate walked in and told me I looked like I had lost a lot of weight...So the workout was over!!! yay!!